So you want to be a food blogger on this the biggest food day in `Merica, but you’re not sure where to start? Well fear not, because I have the perfect guide for you.
1) Tell people they’ve been cooking their turkeys wrong, and tell them you have a new and improved method – You see every year you somehow manage to screw up your turkey, wanna know why? It’s because you didn’t roast the bird upside down, place an ice pack on top of the breast before raosting, place aluminum foil on top of the breast, cook it in parts, Spatchcock (gigidy) your turkey. That’s the only way to ensure your turkey will come out moist and delicious…this year at least.
My prediction for next year? Deep Fried Turkey! Youtube “deep fried turkey” just to see how easy and simple it is!
2) Make everything “traditional but with a twist of modern” – pumpkin pie is so boring, solution? Delicata squash pie, now there’s an improvement.
Green beans have you down? How about okra!
Mashed potatoes making you frown? Well turn that frown upside down, with mashed celery root!
Can’t stand that poor excuse you call cranberry sauce? Why not try making it fresh instead of plopping it out of a can!
3) Come up with a wine list – This is a little tricky, because some people aren’t that “into” wines, but it doesn’t matter! You can still impress them. All you have to do is say how “_______” (insert name of wine) is the wine that pairs the best with turkey, not even a question. And it helps if it’s somewhat of an odd sounding wine. Beujolais is perfect. But it doesn’t have to be odd, it can be somewhat retro, like rose. What you don’t want to do is say something that’s too well known, like a merlot, or cabernet sauvignon. As long as it’s somewhat less than ordinary, it will work.
Prediction for next year – Moscato!
4) Tell everyone how much you’re making, and then tell everyone to “relax” – one of the best parts about being a blogger is you can lie to everyone, and no one will know! If you can come up with a few recipes that have an ingredient list longer than Anna Karenina that would be ideal, but obviously the more the merrier. And if you can throw in a few things that need specific instructions where to get it (kind of like what Bon Appetit does) that’s even better. Sassafaras root? Hazelnut Oil? Tamarind? Black truffles? Great! But to really top it all off, you have to make everyone feel like it’s super easy, and you have your life in order, and everything is ready to go, and you’re just busy feeding the horses in your stable.
On that note – Happy Thanksgiving! I’m all done cooking for the 17 people we’re having, and I’m going to go take a leisurely walk to my stables to feed my horses.